Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
