Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
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Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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