So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
