If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
