Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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