I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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