When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
