legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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