He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
