remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
