went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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