My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
