You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
