you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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