Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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