Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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