so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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