For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
