I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
