five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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