if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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