LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
