So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
