4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
