Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
