then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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