Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
