You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
