oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
