Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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