I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
