Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
