Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
