haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
The beer is more important than you right now.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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