i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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