I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
