I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize