the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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