You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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