Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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