there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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