My liver just broke up with me...
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
