just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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