In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I love you. Go after that dick
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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