i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
barbara walters just said penis...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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