I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
