remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
