I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I will pee on everything he values.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
