Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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