I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
