I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
