I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
