im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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