You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
