what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
